How to connect deeper with others, including with our children?
Do you feel sometimes disconnected? For example, you are asking questions to your children to show your interest on how their day was, but you are facing a wall and do not understand why?
Let’s have a look at which 6 conscious and mindful skills we need to develop to improve our connection with others, including with kids. They all are parts of what we call “attunement”.
Have you ever heard of attunement?
Dr Shefali stresses the importance of attunement, which can be defined as: “Kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others knowing their rhythm, affect and experience by metaphorically being in their skin, and going beyond empathy to create a two-person experience of unbroken feeling connectedness by providing a reciprocal affect and/or resonating response”.
Attunement is a pretty subtle skill to pick up. It’s all about tuning into someone’s energy while being aware of your own. You do not focus on the words others use or the roles they play. Instead, it’s like having magic glasses which let you see where someone is in terms of their openness, resistance, denial, and overall consciousness.
Once you attune to others, you’ll find a whole world of insights that you missed before because you were just focused on the surface stuff. Being attuned means going beyond what’s visible; it’s about feeling things on a deeper level. It’s like tapping into another layer of awareness where you can sense where someone is emotionally.
Why would ATTUNEMENT help you better connect with your children?
Children and teenagers really can’t stand it when we overlook their feelings and bombard them with questions. So, it’s crucial to pay attention to what they’re communicating without words. To do this, you need to be open to receiving information and truly listen. It’s all about setting aside your own agenda in that moment. You’ll want to practice being fully present without any distractions. When you let go of your agenda, you’ll be better at picking up on non-verbal signals, sitting in silence, and not forcing your ideas on others.
Conscious skills to better connect
Attunement is part of developing essential life skills:
Letting go of your agenda
Being focused on the present moment
Tuning into energy
Being aware of non-verbal cues
Practicing deep listening
Embracing quietness.
These skills are not what we typically see in mainstream culture, which often emphasizes talking, commanding, and giving opinions rather than truly listening to understand the other.
It's very important to connect with others and show them that you're letting go of your usual expectations and fantasies. You’re not here to impose your agenda; instead, you’re ready to really listen to them in the moment. You do not plan anything and you are not here to lead to others, you simply waiting for them to awaken to their own inner leadership.
Being present is key. A lot of the time, parents and kids clash because kids are all about the present moment, while adults are stuck thinking about the past or worrying about the future. Dr Shefali says that children and adults live in different time zones: children are living in the present, while adults are living in the past and in the future. This disconnect can cause issues in parent-child relationships right from the start. Kids naturally live in the present, but adults have learned to think differently, often filled with regrets and anxieties. We tend to project our worries onto others, including our kids.
Going deeper:
That’s why it’s so important to develop these mindful skills. Conscious Living and Conscious Parenting aren’t just quick fixes; they’re about deep healing and addressing the root causes of our suffering:
Why can’t we stay in the present moment?
Why do we cling to feelings of lack and fear?
Why are we always anxious about what’s next?
Why do we project our issues onto others instead of seeing them for who they really are?
How can we go with the flow of life?
How can we lower our expectations and be more present?
Conclusion:
Developing those 6 attunement skills will help you improve your connection with others, including with your children.
These are essential skills you need to cultivate over time, especially self-awareness and a commitment to your own growth.
6 mindful skills to develop attunement and better connect with others.