Why do we feel angry?

Discovering the underlying emotions and feelings beneath anger: the iceberg metaphor

Very often, anger is covering other emotions and feelings.

Let’s use the “anger iceberg” metaphor to illustrate that anger is often only the visible part of a deeper wound.

As you can see from the below picture, anger could actually only be the part of the iceberg that you can see from the surface. If you look at what is below the surface, you will see the main part of the iceberg. That could be: embarrassment, fear, grief, shame, overwhelming, frustration, depression; disgust, stress, rejection, helplessness, guilt, nervousness, trauma, annoyance, anxiety, exhaustion, disrespect, uncertainty, loneliness, worry, regrets, etc.

Source: the Gottman Institute

We can easily see when someone is angry, but it may be challenging to identify the underlying feelings that anger is covering up.

Example

For example, Mark thinks that he has an anger issue. When his boss requests something from him, Mark takes it wrong, judges his boss as “bossy”, criticizes him and stresses. Mark is a kind person and did not feel comfortable having such reactions, but he had the impression that he could not help it.

After deep observation, it came out that Mark did not really have an “anger problem”. Instead, he felt that his boss was placing impossible demands on him. By understanding the origin of his anger and accepting it, rather than suppressing it or fixing it, he began to recognize his anger as a signal for a need – a need to set healthy boundaries for what he would and would not do.

Underneath Mark’s anger was exhaustion and a feeling of being good enough for this boss. So his anger was created by that disappointment with himself and protecting him from deeply painful shame.

Realizing that anger as a protector of our raw feelings can tremendously help better understand ourselves and others. Although anger is a valid emotion on its own, it can cover other emotions that need to be addressed or validated.

How to respond when a child is angry?

You can use the iceberg metaphor as well to enhance your connection with your children. Their behaviors, opinions, habits are the top part of the iceberg. Underneath the iceberg are their buried, unseen, unvalidated and unmanifested feelings. If you pay attention to the nuances of your children’s behavior, you will discover things that you’ve never seen before.

Go beneath the iceberg.

Pay attention.

Consider the behavior as the surface of the iceberg. Go beneath the water and look for what is buried within: what does my child need right now? What is the need beneath the behavior? Does s/he need to be seen? To be heard? To belong? To be validated as worthy and good enough?

The next step would be to teach your children to distinguish between surface behaviors and true emotional need.

Conclusion

While it may be challenging to identify the underlying feelings that anger is covering up, using the iceberg metaphor can help us to remember that the surface behavior is a signal of something deeper, which needs to be addressed. In digging deeper to discover the need or feelings beneath anger, you will learn how to effectively decrease your anger (in working on the actual need or feelings) and how to better connect with others (in avoiding to react to their anger and focusing instead on their needs).